The Bluffer’s Guide to Hiking by Simon Whaley

The Bluffer’s Guide to Hiking by Simon Whaley


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Take a hike
 – Mankind has been walking since around 3 million years BC (Before Cars), so understandably human feet are beginning to ache a bit now. However, in today’s congested world, it’s often quicker to leave modern transport methods behind and strike out on Shank’s Pony.

Never ask another hiker for directions. Not only does it confirm that you’re utterly clueless, but for all you know, he or she may also be temporarily misplaced.

You will realise that telling an angry landowner that the sign really should read “Trespassers will be sued”, not “Trespassers will be prosecuted”, is ill-advised, especially if he is pointing a shotgun at you.

When your granny told you to put a jumper on because you were cold and she was too mean to put another lump of coal on the fire, she was actually training you to be a hiker.

A hiker always has four-season walking boots, crampons, a survival bag and a two-week supply of dried food – and that’s just when going to collect the morning newspaper.

If you’re eating, remember that real hikers never have starters – unless they classify the first three rounds as ‘starters’.

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